Months have a life of their own

It's funny how months take on their own characters, and it's nothing to do with the weather, the seasons or social conventions.
For me February is a happy month - lots of birthdays to celebrate and happy memories re-conjured.  November too has more than its fair share of birthdays and is a time when I feel very close to my family even though I'm half the world away.
April, however, is a haunted month. It is bad enough that I have swapped excited the Spring time anticipation of the UK for the crisp, darker mornings and falling leaves of New Zealand's autumn.  But April is also haunted by the anniversaries of many bereavements, from my first real experience of losing a family member (paternal grandfather) to my most recent (my maternal grandmother) which still makes my heart heavy and my throat tighten after 4 short years.
It's not that I dread April's arrival.  There's no point in that as I can no more put it off than stop the leaves falling from the trees.  Rather, I spend the whole month feeling raw and a little shaky, my usually tough outer shell marred by a myriad of cracks and fractures that let the tears seep out when I least expect it.
My heart breaks afresh every year, and ghosts of cuddles past crowd into my waking mind, random snapshots appearing in the photo album of my memory and even other senses taking a trip down nostalgia avenue.  Why is it I wake up thinking of the familiar, comfortable smell of my nan's house?  Beeswax and lavender furniture polish mixed with stale cigarette smoke have never featured in houses I've owned but remain as fresh today as when my six-year old self would push open the back door and rush in for a cuddle on her lap.
My grandfather sits in his armchair, and his short bristly mustache scratches as I give him the obligatory kiss - not so familiar is his house where ornaments can't be touched and the poodle rules the roost - 30 years old or more that memory is, yet it feels like it was impressed on my grey matter last week.
And further back still, my great grandmother sitting in her corner chair, watching my cousins and me share out the chocolate bars from her bottom drawer and the 5pence pieces from the jar.  She was so pleased when I picked her birthday for my teenage wedding, and although she died a few months before that day I'm sure that she was sitting there in one of her best wedding hats as I walked down the aisle in our village church.
So here I sit, in the middle of this most haunted of months, smiling through impending tears.  It is not a month to be feared, but it is distinctly bittersweet  - happy happy memories mixed inextricably with the ache of loss.
Sorry to be a little maudlin today.  It's probably because I'm writing this in my car, sitting outside a local funeral director's office waiting for my son to emerge.  He is stepping up as a newish boyfriend to support his young lady at her father's funeral.  I am proud of him beyond words, and so would my grandfather, my nan and my great grandmother be if they could see him now.

I love holidays!

I love holidays, because I get to spend time doing the things I love doing - like writing here!  The only trouble with this is that when school starts again I'm going to have a hard time sustaining this pace!
However, I have just discovered the Suitcase Entrepreneur, Natalie Sissons, and I'm going to take her 15 day blog challenge so you can expect to see some more regular blogging from now on.

Today I am mostly feeling grateful.  Grateful that I have such a wonderful husband (who is also my best friend) and two awesome teenage sons, grateful that I have the freedom to work at home or in my office as the mood takes me, grateful that it is raining today and freshening up our very dry environment.  I love my work space (but not all the clutter that has accumulated.... must do something about that this week!), the fact I have a new Colin Thompson jigsaw puzzle to do over the weekend, my bonkers dog who has showered me with love at every opportunity since I went away over the Easter weekend and my killer heels that I'm wearing today.

I was recently involved with a Pechakucha Night in town, and am pondering topics for the future.  I ought to be brave enough to get up and speak, but it's narrowing down the things I might talk about.  If you're not familiar with the format, it has been run in 800 cities globally, and has been around since 2003.  Speakers share 20 images, and have 20 seconds to talk to each image.  We held our inaugural event at the end of March, and sold out our local Art Gallery - 130 people!  Our 12 speakers were fascinating, and I can't wait until the next one  in June.  Somehow I've ended up on the organising committee for it, so you can expect to hear a lot more about it from now on!
In fact you could check it out for yourself at http://www.pechakucha.org
Enjoy!

A woman of many hats - and shoes!

Still no cape in sight for me, but the opportunity to swap hats and take on a different role for the next 10 days.  And of course every different job comes with its own particular shoes - most of them gorgeous!
The teacher's mortarboard and professional court shoes get put to one side, and for the long Easter weekend I wore my photographer's assistant's sunhat and comfortable hiking boots as we photographed the jet sprints down in Wanaka.  What a beautiful part of our country that is, and we enjoyed fabulous weather as well.
Now we are back home again, so my mum's hat is back in use alternating with my business hat.  So fabulous stilettos are a must - today's sport vibrant red and pink flowers against a black backdrop!

I used to keep my favourite shoes for best occasions only, but this year I have decided to wear them at every opportunity.  After all, life is short and uncertain.  Wear the things that make you feel fabulous, be they hats, shoes or sparkly jewellery.  Often I hear other people talking about things kept "for best".... and if it gives you pleasure to simply know those things are in your cupboard waiting for you then that is fine and dandy.  My granddad was like that - if he knew he had a hand-knitted jumper in his drawer that he hadn't worn yet, he felt like a rich man.

But in my book, shoes are meant to be worn, earrings look better on me than in my jewellery box and  bone china cups were created to hold Earl Grey tea not gather dust on a shelf.  If it makes you happy, then do it, wear it, use it.  The same goes for your brain - it was meant to be used, to think, question, create, debate.

Life's short - wear your party pants!  (or Carpe diem, if you prefer a more cultured phrase to quote!)